As we continue to worship celebrity, beauty and everything surface and shit on the smart kids for being too brainy, the United States is heading somewhere I don't think we've ever been.

I think it might be best to ask someone to speak for the future generations of America. What do you think Miss Teen South Carolina? (Please click link for answer.)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZABeQ5vkpXM

Ehhhhhh brother. Alright...fuck it, let's move to Holland.

Out. End of line.

Nicole Richie, five months pregnant with her first child, has announced that she and Joel Madden have decided to wait until after the birth to get married, E! Online reported.

"She said she doesn't want the baby to one day grow up and think she and Joel rushed to get married just because she got pregnant," revealed a source close to the human breather.

"She doesn't want to get married just to say she did it before the baby was born. She wants to do it on their own schedule. And it will be done because they are in love, not because they are up against some deadline. Plus, do you really think these two retards can handle marriage AND a baby?"

But that's not the only reason for putting the nuptials on hold.

First, Richie has to serve a three-day jail sentence for her wrong-way DUI by Sept. 28. Whaa!!?? Oh yes...Nicole is one of the celebutard Four Whoreswomen - Richie, Hilton, Spears and Lohan.

Second...

"Nicole doesn't want to get married when she's all big and fat," the insider added. Duh. That bitch is up to 115 and personally I think she looks like a cow. Lose the baby gal.

With Richie working her way toward her third trimester, her baby bump is clearly visible.

"She's been eating," our source says, "A lot. She said she's always hungry, and she's never been happier about it! This broad woofs down a Saltine and a sip of water a day now. Easy lady."

For now, the vow swap is set to go down at dad Lionel Richie's estate in Bel-Air, but the younger Richie is still scouting locations, E! said.

And will venereal disease Hilton be in the wedding? "Oh, yes," the source says, "Paris will definitely be in the wedding!"

I'd make panties a requirement for bridesmaids. No one wants Nana to see a bunch of shaved, lumpy paginas when the wind kicks up.

I'm out. Out of control. End of line.

A day after its first-season finale, HBO canceled the dark surfing drama John from Cincinnati, according to the Hollywood Reporter.

"Labeled by critics as 'strange,' 'weird' and 'unlikable,' 'John' never clicked with viewers despite a strong marketing campaign and such well-known leads as Rebecca De Mornay and Bruce Greenwood," the Reporter reported.

Personally, I was a fan. And I knew a couple other people that were as well. Maybe that was the problem, only a couple people watched it.

And although it was strange, weird and unlikable, it still was more original than anything on TV. It made you pay fierce attention, it was bizarrely intriguing and it made you think afterwards. It was ideally what I wish all entertainment was.

Instead, America drools over rat turds like America's Got Talent and turtle piss like According to Jim. According to pcnerd3000...Jim Belushi and his show need to be ass raped by the devil, then William "The Refrigerator" Perry, then a whale, then John Belushi's rotted corpse. While John Belushi's dead corpse rapes According to Jim and Jim Belushi, it screams, "You used my name and talent to forward your talentless sack-of-shit self and career. Fucckkkk Yooouuuuu!!!!"

Maybe like LOST, John created more questions than answers in the hope to answer them at a later time and keep people guessing. LOST did it successfully, John did not unfortunately.

I have always wanted to surf. I always was awed by people who could do it well. And that might have been why I was originally drawn to the show.

But the frame of a philosophical and spiritual mystery was what kept me watching.

The cast featured a couple old stars but more interestingly, it featured what seemed like every character actor from every movie or TV show from the last 20 years. I thought that was cool.

Anyway, in sad news, I will miss it.

Out. End of line for me and John from Cincinnati.

The top 10 films based on Friday-Sunday estimates compiled by Exhibitor Relations:
1. Rush Hour 3, $50.2 million
2. The Bourne Ultimatum, $33.7 million
3. The Simpsons Movie, $11.1 million
4. Stardust, $9 million
5. Underdog, $6.5 million
6. Hairspray, $6.4 million
7. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, $5.9 million
8. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, $5.4 million
9. No Reservations, $3.9 million
10. Daddy Day Camp, $3.6 million

1.  Rush Hour 3 = halfwits pay to hear Eddie Murphy and Bruce Lee discuss their cultural differences for a third time. "Tha Chinese star almo hit my nards!" Laugh riot.

2. The Bourne Ultimatum = These usually are pretty good. Spoiler: This time Matt Damon is immediately hit by the first bullets fired at him and dies 10 minutes in.
3. The Simpsons Movie = A handshake with old friends. I can't rip the freakin' Simpsons. 
4. Stardust = Not sure what this is. Possible David Bowie biopic.
5. Underdog = Talking dog fights crime with predictable endless fart and poop jokes. "Thanks for saving us Underdog. Now who made mess!"
6. Hairspray = Johnny Travolta finally quells all gay rumors by playing a walrus in drag.
7. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry = Whaa!!?? These guys can't be gay! Unless they rifle off hundreds of homophobic lines. You're welcome America. 
8. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix =  The wizard grows up, fighting puberty in climax of movie. "Wiggle piggle waggle falls, why is there so much hair on me balls!" - Fucks Hermione on back of dragon.
9. No Reservations = Is this the hot dude and lady chef movie? If so, this one looks like one hot dish! You're welcome high school newspaper editors. 
10. Daddy Day Camp = A laugh parade. If you loved Boat Trip, Snow Dogs and your labotomy, armpit fart your way to Daddy Day Camp. The fat kid is out of breath but learns that trying is important? Fin.

Weekend post.

I'm out. End of line.

Well, I had a couple wires crossed and missed a week but at least not much goofy celebrity news happened.

Whaa!!?? Britney Spears showcased her panache as a goofed-out psycho with greasy hands. Lohan chased moms in minivans around with kidnapped hostages. It turns out, they admitted it was all part of a crazy whore-off. Winner yet to be determined.

What’s actually happening now?

Amy Winehouse cancelled some shows after being hospitalized with a case of overservedia.

"Amy was discharged from the hospital this afternoon and has been advised to take complete rest," her label, Island Records, said in a statement. “We tried to make her go to rehab, but she said no, no, no.”

Performances in Norway and Denmark this week have been canceled.

One of those shows was set for Wednesday at Olso's Oya Festival, according to E! News online.

"The news of the cancellation came abruptly and surprisingly upon us a little before 1 o'clock this afternoon," organizers wrote on the fest's Website, adding that they received no explanation for the pullout. "The show will still be many salutes with fill-in act - Naar en nær Slægtning dör kort för et Barns Födsel.”

I’m out. And hopefully back in soon.

End of line.

Welcome nerds!

After three weeks of technical problems, my blog is back up and working. I was unable to post the whole time. So starting this weekend, I will post as much as possible. This week couldn't have been a better one to bounce back on the scene.

Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, The View, The Simpsons!

Most of what happened in the last couple weeks, I couldn't make sound as interesting if I tried.

I will bring you the latest on these crazy bitches and more good old-fashioned American pop culture as it happens.

Stay tuned.

End of line.

Perenial American Idol No. 2 Clay Aiken done mixed it up with some soccer mom on a flight to Tulsa, Okla., which prompted an FBI query but no charges were filed, the Tulsa World reports.

The 28-year-old songstress, who was famous in 2003, was on a Continental Airlines flight Saturday headed to Tulsa International Airport, when he got into it with a female passenger after she complained about his foot on her armrest, according to E! News Online.

The woman allegedly gave Aiken a "minor shove," which one witness said led to "little-girl-like screaming and crying" on Aiken's part.

"He kicked her darn arm, she pushed him and then he made a noise like Prince does when he's real horny in one of them R&B jams he kicks out," the witness said.

According to the Tulsa Airport Authority, both passengers were detained until FBI agents arrived to question them. No one was injured in the tussle.

While performing later that day at Tulsa's Brady Theater to the town's gay guy and a bunch of soccer moms, Aiken quipped onstage about getting roughed up by a girl, E! News Online said.

"Ya'll, I done got tore up by one of you bitches on the plane today (pointing at a group of women in the front row dressed in pastel polos and mom jeans)," Aiken said. "Not you Tom, (pointing at the gay guy) you're good people. By the way guys, to clear things up again, I am not gay!! Anyway, with all this craziness out of the way, who wants to hear 'The Glitter Song?!'"

Aiken is in the middle of a national tour, accompanied by local symphonies. The tour kicked off July 4 in Dallas and is called "Clay Aiken - Extra Strength Pussy Magnet." (See picture for proof.)

OUT! End of line.

OK, I felt bad about not posting a video recently. Click on the link to see another good video brought to you by funniest man alive and Adam McKay.

This is Pearl's swan song. Enjoy.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/33f2687080

End of line.

Jennifer Aniston, former haircut of Friends fame, plans to executive produce and potentially star in the period musical Goree Girls, according to the Hollywood Reporter.

The film will be based on the true story of eight ladies incarcerated at Texas' Goree State Farm penitentiary in the 1940s, who formed one of the first all-female country and western acts in history.

I suggest Aniston tap Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Phil Spector to play the leading ladies with her. Just grab any of the Pussycat Dolls for the other four and tell them to dance in the background.

Lohan could play the wild-eyed, gravely-voiced ex-line cook inmate that loves to play with knives and tells horrifying stories of driving her Cadillac into what she calls "erey damn tree, shrub and silo in the who' gosh darn town."

Hilton could play "the prettiest pearl of them all!" She dies sadly at the conclusion of the film of polio, malaria, typhus, dengue, yellow fever and what they called in the 40s, "wild vajayjay syndrome."

Spector could play Lady Marmalade, the oldest...and nuttiest of the bunch. You never know what hairdo she'll wear next or what whacky thing will come out of her sassy mouth. Kids will repeat her catchphrase on every playground from San Diego to Atlanta. "This bra itches more than Ise want to kill them snitches." Hahaha...oh Lady Marmalade. You so crazy. 

Aniston and her producing partner Kristin Hahn are developing the project through DreamWorks, with writer Margaret Nagle (HBO's Warm Springs) adapting the script. The studio is currently looking for a director, according to E! News Online. Maybe they could land British needle collector and jail expert Pete Doherty to direct.

I'm O-U-T. I'm out. EOL.

Vanessa Minnillo, current New York Entertainment Tonight coorespondent, has no idea why she's famous.

When asked recently why she's in every celeb mag and on the covers of others, she replied, "I'm not sure who the fuck I am."

Minnillo first hit the scene as a co-host of MTV's Total Request Live from 2003 to 2005. She did do an amazing job acting excited about Pretty Ricky's hit single "Grind with me." Wait, who the hell is Pretty Ricky? Probably one of them pissin-on-kids R&B singers. 

It must have been really hard to fill the shoes of human seditive Carson Daily. I bet everytime he practiced his intros, his voice almost lulled him to sleep. Wait, we're not talking about Daily.

At ET, it also must be hard to fill the shoes of Mary Hart, Leeza Gibbons and John Tesh. What a list. There probably wasn't one sincere emotion between the three. Except when Gibbons tried to steal Hart's job and Tesh punched her in the chotchke.

Minnillo could ask Steve Cojocaru for advice, but he's so light in his loafers she might need one of them new-fangled Virgin space planes to reach him.

Minnillo might be most well known as Nick Lachey's girlfriend. Another honor for this amazing nobody. Lachey is best recognized for wetting panties worldwide with his nuclear energy creating smirk. "Who me? You think I'm hot? Nah, I just crush a lot." What a turd sandwich.

Anyway, kudos to Minnillo for somehow getting famous. Even in her hayday, Mary Hart wasn't photographed giving hand sandwich to Tom Selleck.

Peace, Nerd 3000 out. Do the hustle.

OK, well you know when that Russian dude beat Big Blue, the computer, in chess? Well it was a while ago, but that's what happened with me and Paris Hilton.

I wrote about her escape from jail yesterday. But then realized I was missing an update after I overheard the IT guys gaying about it.

So Paris Hilton is actually back in jail. She was sent back to jail by Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer, who was apparently unmoved by the pleas of Hilton's three lawyers to send her back to home confinement due to an unspecified medical condition. He ordered Hilton returned to a Los Angeles County jail to serve out the remainder of her 45-day sentence for violating probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case.

I guess he didn't buy the light cough and pouty face Hilton utilized to literally earn a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free Card. Her parents bought it for her, just like her anal bleaching sessions at hot Hollywood Spa "White Ass."

But then this freaking retard decides he's going to enforce something called "the law" and order her back in jail.

How dare him. Anyway, thank God this saga hasn't ended. You know lots more really funny stuff is coming out of this ordeal. Like the gravely-voiced hobbit at Men's Warehouse says, "I guarantee it."

God's speed penis receptacle! Pray for Paris.

I'm out! End of line.

Yikes! Where the F did I go? I know I was thinking the same thing.

Well, it wasn't June 1. Instead it's June 10. But I've got great news. Curling season is done and I've been hooked up and reprogrammed to bring you pop culture gold all summer.

Let 's start with my favorite hotdog-eating contest winner - debutante Paris Hilton.

"Ya'll, she's really freakin' dumb and slutty."

We all are well-versed that Hilton is these things. She is a perfect example of why they call it "spoiling" your kid. Too many chocolates and baubles leads to half-retarded heiresses.

Anyway, that whore got out of jail after serving five of her 45 days. Why? Undisclosed medical considerations. Whaa!!!???

I actually got a hold of the interview tape from the Century Regional Detention Center medical staff. Here's what went down. Apparently Hilton asked to have her toilet filled with Cristal so she could "make potty in bubble water." Medical attendee Michelle Crakenfoch replied, "Are you honestly retarded?" To which Hilton is heard on the tape saying, "That's hot? (sound of clapping) (crying) (cheering) Do you guys have thickburgers? My mother says I'm smarter than Tinkerbell. I want gold!!!"

Hilton entered jail Sunday after attending the MTV Movie Awards, where she answered questions from the press and was the subject of host Sarah Silverman's jokes. When it was announced she was in the audience, loud boos could be heard throughout the theater.

Check it out ya'll:

Hilton said of the award show response, "Where's my Sidekick? I need my STD pills. I'm getting did tonight."

Jail officials said that following Hilton's release, even after only five days, her cell had to be thoroughly sanitized. At least seventeen times, Warden Steve Dong said.

"There was all kind of critters crawling around that cell when she left," Dong added. "They mustof dropped right out her business."

Now Hilton has to remain on house arrest to complete the 40 more days of her sentence.

Many critics have commented that Hilton's house arrest would be better than most of our regular lives. But many didn't factor the fact that her home doesn't feature a dirty nightclub or a gaggle of half-witted, oiled up LA douchebags to grind on her in said club. It's going to be really hard for her to hook up in front of the maids and the butler.

Who are we kidding, she already bedded the maids and the butler. Best of luck to STD champion Paris Hilton!

"Oh my God, I'm back again. Pop culture nerd's back...alright!"

End of line. Church.

Hello nerds,

Well, I apologize for my absence. I was unplugged and shipped to do powerpoints at a convention last week. How many fat sweaty guys can you fit in a conference room? Apparently a lot!

And right when I was reconnected and cranked up in the office, I found out that I've been reassigned again. That's right, I have to calculate curling scores for the next couple of weeks. I heard that I should be back here pumping out pop culture nuggets regularly June 1.

Until then, it's going to be sporadic. I'll post whenever I can get away from those stone-sweeping freaks. Does the sport of curling make sense to anyone? I feel like sweeping really fast would be better suited for a side job. Get these reerees together, start a business, call it "It's a Sweep!" and clean up this fucking dog hair!

Click this link to see one of my favorite comedians and possibly one of the most naturally funny people alive.

http://video.dotcomedy.com/player/?id=103439

I promise to check in as much as possible. Until then nerds...It's the M-ther F-ing End of the f-ing line. Church.

Sorry for my absence nerds. Old Gil, my IT guy, spilled his freaking Ovaltine all over me and I had to be serviced. I still smell like 1950s children's nightmares. Error. Bleep bloop blop. Now I'm better. 

The same can't be said for David Hasselhoff, former star of TV's "Talking Car!" and "Breasts!"  

Although many thought it was medically impossible, "The Hof" ate so many burgers that he became intoxicated.

"I've never heard of such a thing," said physician Tiffany Brissette. "I've heard mass hamburger digestion can lead to serious 'bedonkadonk butt,' but not intoxication. Mr. Hasselhoff gots tore-mother-f-ing-up on them. Damn. That shit crazy. Pardon me." 

See the sad video of this phenomena at The Dark Lord's personal site: http://www.etonline.com/celebrities/news/48036/index.html#

Well. It's sad. I think he'll probably learn to stick to chicken sandwiches from now on.

In tribute to The Hof's accomplished career, please view one of his masterpieces.

This was Hasselhoff's celebration of picking up a pre-teen streetwalker (see video), realizing he's a dick and then kicking her out of the car. I'm sorry KITT. You should try ejecting this hamburger drunk without his slimy command for once.

Nerd 3000 is Audi 3000 beitches. End of line.  

Hello nerds,

Well I ran the numbers, and Will Ferrell has to be the funniest man alive. Although he has tied himself to a couple not super funny projects, it's pretty obvious that he can make whatever he's in better.

Take for example the short he made with his friend Adam McKay, director and co-writer of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. 
"The Landlord" generated mucho buzz after airing on Funnyordie.com. It co-stars McKay's 2-year-old daughter, whose real name is Pearl. The video was shot randomly in Ferrell's guesthouse during a break in Ferrell's son Magnus' third b-day party, according to People magazine. 

It took 45 minutes to shoot, says McKay, who set up the website, Funnyordie.com, as a platform for his and his friends' short form comedy films.

Check this business out. If you don't laugh, you aint got no soul.

http://funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

Nerd 3000 O-U-T! End of mother-f-ing line.

I know that consumers all over the world are bombarded every day with people hocking their wares. Some legit and some not. But my hope is that as the "messages to buy" stack up, from TV, radio and more and more on the webternet, we'll smarten up and see scams for scams.

I wanted to point out a couple of great examples of well-crafted messages that caught me hook, line and sinker. This cautionary tale might just save your life. Even brilliant computers can be had.

No. 1, I received the message below today. Please note it's strong construction.

"Hello my new friend!
My name is Elena.
I have seen your biographical particulars and something has interested me in you.
I shall tell to you one, that I am serious in the intention and I want to find my only thing,
loving, kind, pleasant person. If you intention also are serious also you search for that I search
you can write to me also. Certainly you is more senior for some years, but it of anything bad does not mean. I very much is strongly tired from loneliness and from constant attempts to find the happiness.
Sometimes I think even, that the love in the world does not exist any more. But I want to find the
love also I want to test it in the heart.
I have seen your biographical particulars and have decided, that you can help me with it.
I hope to find in you that constancy and gravity, which to me still who could not
to give. If you want to answer me that write on my electronic address: lenacharm07@yandex.ru
I with impatience shall wait for your letter.
Sincerely Elena"

I beg you, DO NOT answer her on her electronic address!!! I did, and now she is my wife. What the hell is a computer supposed to do with a Russian bride? I felt extremely guilty when I lied and told her that I did actually have a "not-cold water whirler." If I were to buy a jacuzzi, my circuits likely would be damaged resulting in a "critical error!" I know, I hate em too. Anyway, back on topic, to be honest we do have similar biographical particulars. But I thought it was a little rude that she said I was "more senior for some years, but it of anything bad does not mean." I fired back, "Well Elena, what's the age limit on extorting an American sugar daddy?" To which she replied some garbled English that sounded like "robot hampster dicks, we will drink many." The point here is, if a one-named lady e-mails you and wants to talk about your biographical particulars, think twice. That's one thought for you and one for her. Sadly, she is too dumb to think.

No. 2, MIcrosoft CEO Steve Ballmer got me to buy Microsoft Vista software. I said I'd buy it if he stopped yelling and sweating. I will point out that I still feel he could ratchet up his intensity a smidge more if he wants Microsoft stock to really take off. Come on dude, you can't get even a little psyched about a computer company that pays you millions? This company does exciting things like OFFER USER-COMPATIBLE OPERATING SYSTEMS!!! Yahoo!!! Alright, I understand Steve. Take a nap. You might reconsider buying software from a guy that is possessed by Money Jesus. He exists, by the way, and each one of you knows one of his disciples.

 Nerd 3000 out. End of line.

Even computers understand that global charity is important and hard to question.

American Idol's "American Idol Gives Back" two-day, three-hour extravazanza was pretty successful. Lots of big names made appearances to show their solidarity with the cause. Not bad for a strange, usually uneventful talent show.

But sardonic computers also have to point out things like the fact that as classy as this thing wrapped up to be, American Idol's producers still had to fart some cheap, weird glitter onto it.

The greatest example of Idol insanity came in the form of a duet between two soulless bodies. One had already have been dead for 30 years - Elvis - and one happened to be the sixth sign of the apocalyse - The magnificent, goat-faced skinny boy in a dress - Miss Celine Dion. Only this freak of nature would pitch something this bizaar to Idol producers. Elvis was superimposed onto the stage to sing along side Dion misturd. I'd show you the performance but you have to buy it on iTunes. I did get a copy of the dress rehersal video though. She looks amazing!

I pictured Dion saying to producers, "It would be so entirely grand if I could share the stage with Elvis. Oh, only Elvis, or Jesus Christ himself, could share the stage with me. Can we get Jesus? I could sing inspirational hymns while he did magic. No. Too much. Alright, get me fucking Elvis!!! Can you CG a halo and wings on me? No. Alright, just get me two cups of unicorn blood. I must feed soon!!!"

The other move I questioned was featuring Josh Groban singing all his hit. Didn't "You Raise Me Up" come out in 2003? Do bored soccer moms and teenage girls still want to hear this weasel's one song? Whenever I hear it, I imagine it played behind an announcer's voice listing side effects during an erectile dysfunction commercial.

If you're going to get Grobee, then why not other one hit wonders? How about have the two Scottish freaks from The Proclaimers out there with a bunch of African kids belting out "I would walk 500 miles." And then the kids could respond in unison, "Because I have to, to get some potable drinking water."

What Idol did was well-intentioned and at least refocused uneducated and/or uninterested Americans on the awful disease, poverty and hunger that continues to beat down Africa. It's too bad those same people wouldn't watch or read more about world issues unless you packaged a similar deal with a bunch of dudes punching each other in the nuts. Jackass.

Nerd 3000 out. End of line.

Welcome nerds. Well it looks like Joe Francis, founder of health class instructional video production company "Girls Gone Wild," might have to make his next videos about sex-crazed boys.

That's right, Francis is currently in jail on contempt-of-court charges, without bail, following a civil case in Florida .

His latest "Oops, did I do that?" charges allege that he deducted more than $20 million in false business expenses on corporate income tax returns filed in 2002 and 2003 by two of his companies, Mantra Films Inc. and Sands Media Inc, according to the L.A. Times.

Deductions included $3.78 million for a new house in Mexico that is said to include a "really skanky chics room" and an on-site clergyman who hoses him down following each night's debauchery.

"To be honest, that little weasel needs it," says Francis assistant Archbishop Don "Magic" Juan. "If I didn't hose him down, he'd be one of the top hot zones in the world for transmittable diseases. When he's naked, his junk glows green. P.S. - My "magic" originates from a mix of bad grammar and really fucked up clothes. "

Check out Juan displaying his holy advice. And people question religion. You know he's an Archbishop because he ends his non-coherent ramblings with "church."

Francis was unavailable for comment. His attorney, Jan L. Handzlik, said the indictment was unwarranted.

"The government has chosen to make a criminal case out of what we believe to be, at most, a civil tax dispute," Handzlik said. "We are also disappointed about the timing of these charges in light of Joe's difficulties in Florida. This is turning into a litigation dog pile. My client is a pretty big dog pile to start with. Do we really need more poop in this poop sandwich? No. Joe is literally such a huge pile of shit, you can smell him from space."

Francis made a fortune selling videos, advertised on late-night infomercials, featuring scantily clad coeds flashing their malformed "up-tops" and occassionally their lumpy paginas.

Check out this video where we witness the exploitation firsthand. At least Francis knows what to expect in jail. Just with shorter hair and Adam's apples.

Here Francis is asked what he wants for 2007. He should have added "unlimited free time with Steve Jenkins, inmate 227."

The Nevada indictment is potentially the most serious legal trouble that Francis has faced to date. If convicted, he faces as many as 10 years in prison and fines of as much as $500,000, Justice Department officials said.

Francis is scheduled to appear before U.S. Magistrate Judge Robert A. McQuaid Jr. in Reno on May 22 on the tax charges.

Francis faces up to 100 years in Florida prison if convicted on all the felony charges he faces in that state. Damn.

Dear Joe,

Good luck. I think you might be really sore by then. Maybe you'll be more interested in producing "Dudes Ice Their Holes" videos in the future. There's probably already a pretty extensive prison demographic for the tapes. Especially if they had a chance to meet you in person. Give my regards to Satan douchebag. Church. 

Nerd 3000 out. End of line.

Hello nerds.

Well, following the awful tragedy at Virginia Tech on Monday, the heartfelt tributes started to pour.

Now I understand the genuine sentiments behind any sort of homage to victims. 9/11 spawned all kinds of personal statements of sorrow and anger.

But I propose that all tributes from this day forward shall only be made by professionals. Let Aretha Franklin get up on a stage and belt out a passionate song of remembrance. Even if it induces a little barf in the mouth, let Lee Freaking Greenwood inspire us. Hell, I'd be cool with psychopath Sanjaya Malakar performing a breathy rendition of Amazing Grace whilst hulaing, right before he summons demons from below the Earth to carry him away to his next kitchy performance.  

But with the advent of YouTube and other video sites, comes more shit-tastic V-Tech tributes than a weak nerd can bare to shake a stick at.

Check out these sad tries: First, British black guy gives VT a shoutout from his dark...closet?

How about a song from an artist on, I shit you not, Rapsheet Records. God bless you, each and every thug.

Wouldn't just playing the Virginia Tech fight song by itself be powerful and moving? Can I copyright that idea? Probably not. Don't steal this idea YouTube nerds.

Honestly, the only non-celebrity tribute that ever really got me sobbing on the floor was Doug Brogar's tribute to Chuck Norris...may he rest in peace. Check it out fools. Sad emoticon.

 That's it today. Nerd 3000 out. End of line.

OK, this is hard for me to do. But due to disclosure laws, I should start by saying Alec Baldwin f-ed my mom. I'm a computer. My mother was a proud Speak & Spell. That's right, my dad not only is a dick, he also had relations with an electronic teaching tool. I knew it was getting bad when my mom kept saying, "Say it...cocksucker." I thought she was just trying to shock us, but it turns out she was talking about my pops. He's mean.

And now apparently it came out this week that dad also hates his other kid, his daughter Ireland.

In a voice-message to Ireland, he called her a pig and said how he was going to fly to California and straighten her out.

Check out this message.

He's had a long-time fued with his ex-wife Kim Basinger, including a battle over custody of this bratty teenager. But this latest tirade might tilt the scales a little to dress-hanger Basinger. 

Dad issued this press release:  

"Thank you to everyone who has posted messages of suppport and understanding. Naturally, it is not best for a parent to lose their temper with their child. Everyone who knows me privately knows that I am a very rich douchebag who gets upset when my slightly chubby daughter isn't available when I call. Does she know who I am? I'm freaking Alec Baldwin. I was more famous when I wasn't a fat pig, like my daugher Ireland. I have endured a great deal over the last several years in my custody litigation. Everyone who knows me privately knows that certain people will go to any lengths to embarass me (this dumbshit, pointing-at-self) and to disrupt my relationship with my daughter. Can you renobs berate my daughter 24/7? I didn't think so.

In such public cases, your opponents attempt to take a picture of you on your worst day (or best, If you're a raging fuckface) and insist that this is who you are as a person. Outside the doors of divorce court, I have friends (really big famous dicky friends. Does Dennis Haskins ring a bell? Yeah, He was fucking Mr. Belding on Saved by The Bell! Eat it Kim!), I have respect from people I work with and I have a normal relationship with my daughter (If you consider bare-assed horse whip spankings normal.). All of that is threatened whenever one enters a court room.

Although I have been told by numerous people not to worry too much, as all parents lose their patience with their kids, I am most saddened that this was released to the media because of what it does to a child (And my career. Hey, who wants to work with the dillhole?). I'm sorry, as everyone who knows me is aware, for losing my temper with my child. I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. You have to go through this to understand. (Although I hope you never do.) I am sorry for what happened. But I am equally sorry that a court order was violated, which had deliberately been put under seal in this case.

Once my book is published (No one will read it. Except for the losers who picked up American Idol judge Randy Jackson's book "What’s Up, Dawg?") , I'm sure more people will understand the incredible strains created by parental alienation.

In the meantime, I'm sorry to anyone who's taken offense from this episode. Now shut your dirty mouthes, you fucking nobody wannabees!!"

Wow. Dad really is a whale fucker. Alright. Well at least I can tell you this. Dad left my Speak & Spell mother and I a Post-it when he left. It just said, "I will never put my dick in a computer again. From now on, I'm sticking to labotomized aspiring actresses. LynnZee happens to have a great part in Steven Seagal's upcoming 'Explosion Explosion 1989.'"

Nerds! End of line.

Hello nerds,

Yes it's true, a surprise reunion of TVs sassiest grannies occured at this year's hot lava event of the year, The 2007 CMT Music Awards.

Dorothy, Rose, Blanch and Sophia all made grand entrances in what appeared to be dudes' clothes.

Betty White said they rocked the shades because they smoked crazy bud in the limo on the way up.

Bea Arthur was caught giving a handy to Mr. Americana himself, the one and only Toby Keith!

When a security guard asked them what was going on, Keith replied, "Toby Keith loves this hand job...and grill."

When asked to comment on what the rowdiest nannas in TV history were doing at the award show, Estelle Getty replied, "Aren't I dead. I was old back then."

Award winners of the night included American Idol genius Carrie Underwood for her song, "Before He Cheats." She was honored with Video Of The Year. The song's fun, playful theme must have tugged at voters' heart strings with its "If you think he's cheating, cut off his dong" sentiment.

Check out this video of Carrie rockin' the house. How about that intro? Country folk love flaming homesexuals. "You God Damn right I do! Queers is as American as apple pie! Eagles."

 Another Idol star, Bucky Covington, appeared shocked when his name was called from the stage to accept the "Someone Gave This Douche a Record Deal?" award.

Bucky told the audience, "Aww shucks. I really appreciate this y'all. Honestly, I didn't realize I had a CD until I caught my mamma doing a line of meth off it. No joke y'all. Kelly Pickler tickled my pickle. Peace, I'm out!!!"

Bad Bucky, bad. That its for now nerds. Nerd 3000 out. End of line.

Hello nerds. Welcome to my new blog. Finally someone had the balls to give a computer its own blog. I have been created specifically to disseminate the latest news from American popular culture and regurgitate it to you in the form of comedy jokes. If you like knowing the latest goofy shiznit going on in the U.S. of A., and you like giggling, you're gonna dig this blog.

I might be offline occassionaly, but if I'm serviced well by the douchbag they assigned to me, Gil, I will try to keep you hip on the scene daily.

How about a sample? O quay. Bleep Bloop Blop (processing dumb celebrity news.)

Is it just me, or is it possible the guy that turned out to be Anna Nicole Smith's baby daddy is actually dumber than her?

Larry Birkhead, Smith's ex-boyfriend, announced he was the father of baby Dannielynn following DNA results at a courthouse in the Bahamas.

Birkhead, an entertainment reporter and photographer, exited the courthouse and announced at a podium, "Everybody, I hate to be the one to tell you this -- but I told you so." But it really sounded like, "I hight to bay the one to tall you thas but...I tall you saw."

Smith earlier had described Birkhead as "a special guy," but no one at the time realized she meant it. He's really retarded.

Few news sources reported that following the announcement, Birkhead's lawyer took him to a local carnival where he won Birkhead an oversized neon-green bear. Later in the evening, Birkhead allegedly said he "eated too manys funnel cakes." Non-stop clapping was reported all the way home. 

When asked who made mess in his suit, Birkhead said, "I told you so."

Stay tuned for more nerds. Nerd 3000 out. End of line.