The future's so bright...I gotta wear a helmet.
As we continue to worship celebrity, beauty and everything surface and shit on the smart kids for being too brainy, the United States is heading somewhere I don't think we've ever been.
I think it might be best to ask someone to speak for the future generations of America. What do you think Miss Teen South Carolina? (Please click link for answer.)
http://youtube.com/watch?v
Ehhhhhh brother. Alright...fuck it, let's move to Holland.
Out. End of line.
Obese Nicole Richie wants a bastard.
Nicole Richie, five months pregnant with her first child, has announced that she and Joel Madden have decided to wait until after the birth to get married, E! Online reported.
"She said she doesn't want the baby to one day grow up and think she and Joel rushed to get married just because she got pregnant," revealed a source close to the human breather.
"She doesn't want to get married just to say she did it before the baby was born. She wants to do it on their own schedule. And it will be done because they are in love, not because they are up against some deadline. Plus, do you really think these two retards can handle marriage AND a baby?"
But that's not the only reason for putting the nuptials on hold.
First, Richie has to serve a three-day jail sentence for her wrong-way DUI by Sept. 28. Whaa!!?? Oh yes...Nicole is one of the celebutard Four Whoreswomen - Richie, Hilton, Spears and Lohan.
Second...
"Nicole doesn't want to get married when she's all big and fat," the insider added. Duh. That bitch is up to 115 and personally I think she looks like a cow. Lose the baby gal.
With Richie working her way toward her third trimester, her baby bump is clearly visible.
"She's been eating," our source says, "A lot. She said she's always hungry, and she's never been happier about it! This broad woofs down a Saltine and a sip of water a day now. Easy lady."
For now, the vow swap is set to go down at dad Lionel Richie's estate in Bel-Air, but the younger Richie is still scouting locations, E! said.
And will venereal disease Hilton be in the wedding? "Oh, yes," the source says, "Paris will definitely be in the wedding!"
I'd make panties a requirement for bridesmaids. No one wants Nana to see a bunch of shaved, lumpy paginas when the wind kicks up.
I'm out. Out of control. End of line.
John from Cincinnati rides break into sunset.
A day after its first-season finale, HBO canceled the dark surfing drama John from Cincinnati, according to the Hollywood Reporter.
"Labeled by critics as 'strange,' 'weird' and 'unlikable,' 'John' never clicked with viewers despite a strong marketing campaign and such well-known leads as Rebecca De Mornay and Bruce Greenwood," the Reporter reported.
Personally, I was a fan. And I knew a couple other people that were as well. Maybe that was the problem, only a couple people watched it.
And although it was strange, weird and unlikable, it still was more original than anything on TV. It made you pay fierce attention, it was bizarrely intriguing and it made you think afterwards. It was ideally what I wish all entertainment was.
Instead, America drools over rat turds like America's Got Talent and turtle piss like According to Jim. According to pcnerd3000...Jim Belushi and his show need to be ass raped by the devil, then William "The Refrigerator" Perry, then a whale, then John Belushi's rotted corpse. While John Belushi's dead corpse rapes According to Jim and Jim Belushi, it screams, "You used my name and talent to forward your talentless sack-of-shit self and career. Fucckkkk Yooouuuuu!!!!"
Maybe like LOST, John created more questions than answers in the hope to answer them at a later time and keep people guessing. LOST did it successfully, John did not unfortunately.
I have always wanted to surf. I always was awed by people who could do it well. And that might have been why I was originally drawn to the show.
But the frame of a philosophical and spiritual mystery was what kept me watching.
The cast featured a couple old stars but more interestingly, it featured what seemed like every character actor from every movie or TV show from the last 20 years. I thought that was cool.
Anyway, in sad news, I will miss it.
Out. End of line for me and John from Cincinnati.
Courtney Love poops off weight...still bat-shit crazy.
Courtney Love lost a bunch of weight and a thin Love is featured in the September issue of Harper's Bazaar, on newsstands Aug. 21.
Love credits her loss to a strict regimen that includes regular colonics.
The now 139-pound Love balances hosing out her disease-infested inerds with fish and two meal replacement shakes per day. She also fasts several times a year, according to E! News Online.
"By the way, I hate reading magazines where the actresses are saying, 'Broccoli and fish, broccoli and fish,' " said Love, who appears on the Harper's cover clad in only a hat, shoes and strategically placed jewelry. "You liars. You bulimic liars. I eat shoe leather, tin cans and Smart Ones. That's it. Fucking shit."
"For many years, I took pills. I felt like I had this dirty secret," said splooge-filled condom Love, who checked into rehab to kick painkillers about two years ago.
No. 1, sober?! Come on Courtney. You are to sober as your face is to plastic surgery-free. You lyin'! No. 2, you had a "dirty little secret?" Who were you keeping this secret from? I think Tibetan monks heard you might be a dope fiend.
Love said on her upcoming album Nobody's Daughter, "It’s the first time I’ve written sober…the first time I’ve written from a really deep, dark place."
This will also be the first time Love hasn't begged or stolen lyrics from her dead husband. I will go out on a limb and predict this will suck. Imagine Garbage mixed with Avril Lavigne blended with whale diarrhea. Don't hold me to this. It's a guess.
Love worked with designer Karl Lagerfeld, who photographed and interviewed her for the cover story. One crew member on the shoot described the scene as "two farting butts painted fancy."
OUT. End of line.
50 Cent challenges Kanye, Mennonites refuse comment.
Oh no he di-ant! Oh yes he dih.
"Birthday celebrator" 50 Cent has challenged "Black retarded Elton John" Kanye West to a sell off.
On Sept. 11, both platinum-selling scientists have new solo albums dropping, and Fiddy is so sure "he sell most metal frisbees" he told hip-hop site SOHH.com that he won't record any more solo albums if West sells more that day.
"Put it like this," said Fiddy. "If Kanye West sells more records than 50 Cent on Sept. 11, I'll no longer write music. I'll write music and work with my other artists, but I won't put out any more solo albums. And I bet this—when Kanye West's sales come in, he's gonna have a 70 percent decrease [the second week], 'cause Def Jam is gonna buy records to keep him closer to 50 Cent. So, watch the first week, and then watch the second week. Watch his [expletive] drop off the planet. We keep our angles covered before we make a decent bet."
What a ballsy bet. I bet I will sell more records. Well...actually I bet I sell more, but if I don't, I'll be a bitch and say the other guy cheated. And...if I lose...I aint writing no more. Well...I'll write, but I won't put out solo albums. This sounds like a bet I made in grade school, winner gets my Nintendo. Well, at least you can borrow it once a month.
Another real quote: "I don't get trophies, I get checks," 50 said, referring to West's six Grammys. "He gets the trophies. But how you gonna give him a trophy now when he comes out the same time I come out? And I'm just all over his [expletive-maybe licking all over his crotch?]. You gonna clearly see the favoritism. He's gonna still get the trophies."
Oh, the genius of manufactured celebrity. Yes, it's unfair that West's wholly original material won all the Grammys whilst your kids' sing-along album aint got none! But yours will come out the same date as Kanye's. "Why that don't mean I aint get no trophies?!"
Maybe it's because the producers do occasionally let you write songs, and we get romantic lyrics like, "I love you like a fat kid loves cake."
50 - I hate you like a fat kid hates Shirts and Skins.
OUT. End of line.
Weekend box office and notes.
The top 10 films based on Friday-Sunday estimates compiled by Exhibitor Relations:
1. Rush Hour 3, $50.2 million
2. The Bourne Ultimatum, $33.7 million
3. The Simpsons Movie, $11.1 million
4. Stardust, $9 million
5. Underdog, $6.5 million
6. Hairspray, $6.4 million
7. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, $5.9 million
8. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, $5.4 million
9. No Reservations, $3.9 million
10. Daddy Day Camp, $3.6 million
1. Rush Hour 3 = halfwits pay to hear Eddie Murphy and Bruce Lee discuss their cultural differences for a third time. "Tha Chinese star almo hit my nards!" Laugh riot.
2. The Bourne Ultimatum = These usually are pretty good. Spoiler: This time Matt Damon is immediately hit by the first bullets fired at him and dies 10 minutes in.
3. The Simpsons Movie = A handshake with old friends. I can't rip the freakin' Simpsons.
4. Stardust = Not sure what this is. Possible David Bowie biopic.
5. Underdog = Talking dog fights crime with predictable endless fart and poop jokes. "Thanks for saving us Underdog. Now who made mess!"
6. Hairspray = Johnny Travolta finally quells all gay rumors by playing a walrus in drag.
7. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry = Whaa!!?? These guys can't be gay! Unless they rifle off hundreds of homophobic lines. You're welcome America.
8. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix = The wizard grows up, fighting puberty in climax of movie. "Wiggle piggle waggle falls, why is there so much hair on me balls!" - Fucks Hermione on back of dragon.
9. No Reservations = Is this the hot dude and lady chef movie? If so, this one looks like one hot dish! You're welcome high school newspaper editors.
10. Daddy Day Camp = A laugh parade. If you loved Boat Trip, Snow Dogs and your labotomy, armpit fart your way to Daddy Day Camp. The fat kid is out of breath but learns that trying is important? Fin.
Weekend post.
I'm out. End of line.
Crazy drunk broads and such.
Well, I had a couple wires crossed and missed a week but at least not much goofy celebrity news happened.
Whaa!!?? Britney Spears showcased her panache as a goofed-out psycho with greasy hands. Lohan chased moms in minivans around with kidnapped hostages. It turns out, they admitted it was all part of a crazy whore-off. Winner yet to be determined.
What’s actually happening now?
Amy Winehouse cancelled some shows after being hospitalized with a case of overservedia.
"Amy was discharged from the hospital this afternoon and has been advised to take complete rest," her label, Island Records, said in a statement. “We tried to make her go to rehab, but she said no, no, no.”
Performances in Norway and Denmark this week have been canceled.
One of those shows was set for Wednesday at Olso's Oya Festival, according to E! News online.
"The news of the cancellation came abruptly and surprisingly upon us a little before 1 o'clock this afternoon," organizers wrote on the fest's Website, adding that they received no explanation for the pullout. "The show will still be many salutes with fill-in act - Naar en nær Slægtning dör kort för et Barns Födsel.”
I’m out. And hopefully back in soon.
End of line.
Blog disappeared but is back up and running.
Welcome nerds!
After three weeks of technical problems, my blog is back up and working. I was unable to post the whole time. So starting this weekend, I will post as much as possible. This week couldn't have been a better one to bounce back on the scene.
Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, The View, The Simpsons!
Most of what happened in the last couple weeks, I couldn't make sound as interesting if I tried.
I will bring you the latest on these crazy bitches and more good old-fashioned American pop culture as it happens.
Stay tuned.
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Queer leg for the straight lady's arm.
Perenial American Idol No. 2 Clay Aiken done mixed it up with some soccer mom on a flight to Tulsa, Okla., which prompted an FBI query but no charges were filed, the Tulsa World reports.
The 28-year-old songstress, who was famous in 2003, was on a Continental Airlines flight Saturday headed to Tulsa International Airport, when he got into it with a female passenger after she complained about his foot on her armrest, according to E! News Online.
The woman allegedly gave Aiken a "minor shove," which one witness said led to "little-girl-like screaming and crying" on Aiken's part.
"He kicked her darn arm, she pushed him and then he made a noise like Prince does when he's real horny in one of them R&B jams he kicks out," the witness said.
According to the Tulsa Airport Authority, both passengers were detained until FBI agents arrived to question them. No one was injured in the tussle.
While performing later that day at Tulsa's Brady Theater to the town's gay guy and a bunch of soccer moms, Aiken quipped onstage about getting roughed up by a girl, E! News Online said.
"Ya'll, I done got tore up by one of you bitches on the plane today (pointing at a group of women in the front row dressed in pastel polos and mom jeans)," Aiken said. "Not you Tom, (pointing at the gay guy) you're good people. By the way guys, to clear things up again, I am not gay!! Anyway, with all this craziness out of the way, who wants to hear 'The Glitter Song?!'"
Aiken is in the middle of a national tour, accompanied by local symphonies. The tour kicked off July 4 in Dallas and is called "Clay Aiken - Extra Strength Pussy Magnet." (See picture for proof.)
OUT! End of line.
Cristina Aglalareagggg to shit out "Dirrty" baby.
E! News Online confirmed this past Tuesday that Grammy-winning crotchless panty Cristina Aglalareagggg and hubby Jordan Tinyjew are expecting their first child together. This will be baby No. 1 for both...that they know of. Oh snap! No he di-ant. Yes he dih.
After three years of dating, Aglalareagggg and her Jew-run media husband got married in November 2005.
When asked to comment on the exciting event, Aglalareagggg said, "I hope it aint hurt my pussy. I feel like this'll be baby No. 2 after my husband. He's so little, sometimes Ise hide him up in my unmentionable region yo."
According to her publicist, Aglalareagggg plans on decorating the baby's room with neon lights, "gold shit" and a stripper pole. "I promise I aint drop it like Britney. I promise I have my Mexican hold it," Aglalareagggg said.
Happy freakin weekend, I'm OUT!
End of line.
Criss Angel makes wiener disappear - with assistant Diaz
Criss Angel, the old New Jersey lady that does magic, supposedly played Charlie with Charlie's Angel Cameron Diaz whilst married.
At a court hearing in New York Friday, a lawyer for Angel's wife, Joanne Sarantakos (Angel's real name is Christopher Sarantakos), said he planned on supoenaing Diaz, acoording to E! News Online. Hold up, Criss Angel's real name is Christopher Sarantakos. If I picked MY wicked awesome magic name, and I had his name, I think I would have gone with Chris Tacos. "Tacos aint the only thing Ise make disappear. Is this your freakin card. Look, that flippin cat's levitating." - Chris Tacos
"We're naming Cameron Diaz as his lover," Judge Dominic Barbara said in Nassau County Court. "We will subpoena her as soon as she comes back to New York."
"When Cameron met Criss Angel in May of this year, he had been separated from his wife for over a year and she had already filed a petition to divorce him in 2006," Diaz PR retard Brad Cafarelli said in a statement to E! News. "Cameron and Criss went on only four dates a month ago and have no current relationship."
I bet those conversations were priceless. "Do youse like cotton candies?" -Tacos "Yeay! My hair is blonde. I like farting. Haha. Let's play in the sprinkler." - Diaz "Let's freakin makeout." - Tacos "OK, slurp, slurp." - Diaz
Both Angel, as a stripped-down, eyeliner-free version of himself, and Sarantakos appeared in court Friday. Eyeliner-free, wow. I heard without the makeup, this guy looks like Gene Simmons hairy ass crack. "Hey, that's a freakin compliment to me." - Tacos.
Outside the courtroom, the Mindfreak star proved he was still up to his old tricks, gesturing to his wife's lawyer and telling reporters, "I can make him disappear."
Sarantakos, however, has her own idea of how their sideshow will play.
"I'm going to rip his heart out," she said. Yikes. I guess he better "figyo out howa hide his friggin money fast."
Out. End of line.
Fat One to host dumb show.
Joey Fat one, ex-the fat guy in N Sync, has signed on to host NBC's new variety game show The Singing Bee, according to E! News Online.
Fat one, a Dancing with the Business Class Stars fan favorite, will host the Family-friendly (this means "God, please don't let this television program contain one curse word or my ears will melt right off my darn head"-friendly) sing-along, which will test the audience and viewers to sing and remember verbatim the lyrics to classic songs. Oh boy, if that doesn't sound like something swell to watch as you secretly choke hobos J-freaks! The more conservative on the outside, the freakier on the inside. I know who you are.
NBC told E! News that each episode of the summer series will kick off with the studio audience joining in song, during which eight competitors will be selected. The contenders will then compete in a series of karaoke-like challenges in which lyrics to popular songs must be sung to the letter, lest the contestant get the boot.
"This fun-filled family show is going to have viewers singing along with their TV sets," said Craig Plestis, executive vice president of NBC Entertainment. "We are also thrilled to have Joey on board to host. He brings an added burst of energy, a legion of fans with his musical talent and a greasy bag of onion rings to each show!"
The 30-year-old eater is also hitting the road this summer as part of the "Dancing with the Business Class Stars—The Tour" lineup, joining that speedskater guy, the other guy from 98 degrees, one of the New Kids, and the little kid from Gimme a Break.
The tour kicks off Thursday in Columbia, S.C., and runs through July 24, when it wraps up in Vancouver. Yahoo! Please enjoy a clip from a recent rehearsal of the Dancing Stars tour.
I'm Outhouse nairds!
End of line.
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